HAPPY ONE YEAR!

Happy one year!

When most people say this, it’s because it’s an anniversary… Obviously!

WELL

It is an anniversary and a very important one at that!

No, I haven’t been in a secret relationship… At all. Definitely not!

One year ago today at 5 PM, I met my best friend in the whole world.

LifeWay Christian Bookstore. March 28^th, 2015. 5PM.

Ashley Hagenbuch has been one of the greatest blessings in my life so far.

It’s funny because for a while I had NO idea how to say her last name. And I had to train my phone how to say her last name.

ANYWAYS,

She is one of the first human beings that I have gotten along with and felt comfortable with right off the bat and that makes me so incredibly happy.

Now let me just take a moment to say this. If anyone knows me, they know that I put my heart and soul into loving my friends and family. When something bad happens, it kills me. If they ever need anything, I’m right there for them. I genuinely treasure them. It’s who I am and who I will always be.

So cheers to being best friends for a year, Ashley. Thank you for being my person. Thanks for loving me even when I get on my rants or get emotional. Thank you for always picking me up and being wonderful! You’ve been there for me to listen to and even see the good, the bad, and the really ugly. Thanks for staying even when you realized how weird I am… But you’re welcome for being there even when I know you’re just as weird. Thank you for telling me what I needed to hear even when I didn’t want to hear it. Thanks for being my best friend, other half, sister, coworker, my person. Everything.

Beyond the sappiness, doing life without you would suck. I’m so grateful for you and no amount of thank you’s will ever be enough to amount up to how I feel.

You’re stuck with me for forever. Sorry to break it to you!

HAPPY ONE YEAR!

An Open Letter to My Future Husband

Oh my sweet Honey Bunches of Oats!

To start off, hi.

Thank you for continuously choosing me day in and day out.

Something you should know is that right now, I am 19. Living in Tallahassee.

Currently, it is 4 AM and I can’t sleep.

There are so many things on my mind, including you, whoever you are.

By now, you know that I am a Martha. I am a worrier (hence, why it is 4 AM and I am writing to you). I try so hard not to be, but I am. And apparently, since you’re still here, you know that about me. And you may not particularly like it, maybe you do, it’s just what makes me, well… me.

You also know that I am a lover. And I will do anything and everything to make sure you are happy. You know that I care a lot, about animals and children, and I’ve probably been most caring towards you.

You must also know that I am incredibly sassy. Don’t forget that when needed, I will put you in your place. Because clearly, I’m not afraid.

I hope that you are proud of who I am. I hope you are proud of the things I have accomplished in life. I hope that when you see me, your eyes light up.

I’ve been reading a book called Praying for Your Future Husband by Robin Jones Gunn and Tricia Goyer. It’s crazy how incredibly well this book was written. That’s besides the point. Thank you for being my inspiration. Whoever you are, I’ve been waiting for the day to find someone who is there for me no matter what and loves me through everything since I was like 4. And I can’t wait to spend life with you. Even when I’m not verbally praying for you, I’m mentally praying for you constantly. Wondering who you are, what your life is like, where you are, etc.

You must also know that I have a huge obsession with writing, Taylor Swift, and Marley Anne. FSU will always hold a special place in my heart. Oh and children. Love them, I’m guessing you do as well. I love exploring the world, and getting away from what I know… Gradually. By now you've met my family. My crazy family that I adore. And that must not have scared you away. Family is big to me and I can’t wait for you to be family.

Thank you for not allowing others' opinions of me change the way you feel. Thank you for it letting my past change the way you see. And especially thank you for not letting my flaws hold you back from loving me. Thank you for coming into my life and loving me. Thank you for sticking by my side even when I overreact, get emotional, deal with pain, and freak out for absolutely no reason. And even deeper than that, thank you for knowing me inside and out, every flaw, and still give me a chance everyday. Thank you for knowing how anxious I get and still accepting me. And I’m sure that you’ve also learned how to keep me on tracks and hold me accountable when I mess up (Lord knows I’ll do it for you as well). No matter what age we are when we meet, I hope that you read this and just know that I have been praying and patiently (kind of) been waiting for you. As we both know, I’m patient to a certain extent. Thank you for putting up with my dramatic self. I know it's annoying but I've always been that way. So thank you for not making me change. I know it's probably been a trip but thanks for joining along on the ride.

Next I want to apologize for a few things. For the nights when I didn’t want to get off the phone. I’m sorry that I don’t ever want to stop hugging you, it makes me feel safe. I’m sorry for all the sass and attitude; you must really enjoy it for some strange reason. I’m sorry for my freak out moments on you, when you probably did nothing wrong. I’m sorry that I can be so hard headed when it comes to trusting you or wanting things to be done the way that I want them to be done. I know that I have made a lot of mistakes in my life and I'm sorry for that, I truly hope that my past will never affect our future. I hope that you will always be understanding. I’m sorry for probably texting you repetitively texting… It’s a test on my patience when you respond too slowly (and you probably know that). Hopefully by the point that we are together, I have stopped my dangerous assumptions. But probably not, because let’s be real, I’m me. I’m sorry for having such a fragile heart. But I promise that I will love you with every part of it and choose you day in and day out.

Quick note: I’m sorry for apologizing a lot.

I promise you that I will love you. I promise that I will always try to be the best for you. 

Lastly, I want to say that I can’t wait to love you so incredibly much. I can’t wait to love you through all of our fights. I can’t wait to love you through all of the good, the bad, the ugly, and the beautiful. I can’t wait to adventure this world and this life together, no matter where it may take us. I can’t wait to be vulnerable with you; something I have never been able to do, something that has always scared me. I can’t wait love you.

And now, I’m officially crying. But don’t worry. I’m crying because I’m excited and happy. I’m crying because I’m ready to be a good girlfriend and then a good wife. And I’m so ready for what the future holds for us. Thank you for beating all of my standards and exceeding them.

I know this won’t be perfect. And I know we will have hard times along the way. But I know that we will also have incredible times. I want you to remember that you are my person and you always will be. We both know that I have been eager to meet and love you for a long time, someone who fits me so well. So with that being said, I will do everything in my power to keep you and I hope that you do the same.

Love,

Your Future Wife

How to Remain Calm

Lately, I have realized that staying calm has not been easy for me. Last week was so stressful for me and staying calm just seemed so impossible. So of course, as always, I turned it into a blog post. I know that a lot of people deal with anxiety, staying calm, etc., and I thought would be good to share some of the things that I am trying to train myself to do when I find that I am in a stressful or annoying situation.

I also found that this list is incredibly good to remember when you are also in a situation that you can’t control.

Number one: LET GO

As it has been said before, let go of the things you can’t change.

This one is always hard for me. I find t hard to let go of things mainly because I want to be in control, I want to make a situation better, I want everything to be okay. But one thing that is important to remember is that not all things will get fixed, not all things need to be fixed, and not all things can be fixed. Some things are out of our control. So, let go of your problems, if possible, and be happy.

Number two: BREATHE

Probably one of the simplest things on this list that people take for granted. Taking time for yourself and really TRULY breathing is so important. Stop loading yourself down with all these things you “have to do” and just let yourself have a break. Meditate, ground yourself again, relax, take a bath, do something that YOU want to do. Love yourself again. As cliche as all of this sounds, it's so important.  

Number three: LOOSEN UP

I get told this sometimes. Sometimes, I take this offensively and then later on realize that whoever told me, is right. It’s mainly because I am seriously so tense a lot of the time. It's not that I need to be, it just happens. It’s not healthy at all and I know that. Life is too long to walk about and care too much about everything. For the past few years, I’ve been so tense and stubborn about everything. Honestly, I’ll probably always be stubborn. But for the past year, I’ve truly been trying to just loosen up and try to be more adventurous so I can enjoy life.Being tense all the time can cause health problems. So, loosen up, have a little fun and enjoy the journey we call life. 

Number four: ENJOY THE JOURNEY

One of my most favorite decorations in my room is a wooden piece of artwork that says “Embrace the Journey.” I think that this is something that I love remembering. If you are stressed about something, stop and remember that enjoying the journey of life is so important. No matter whether a big company and don’t get a lot of free time or you are a world traveler and you get to see the beauty of this world, remember that this is your life. You make it what you want it. So make it good. Make It your journey. If you don’t like it, make it better by changing it.

Number five: LOOK AT THE BIG PICTURE

I think that this one is super important. If you are in a situation (that in hindsight is so trivial) stop and think about it. Is this worth it? Will it be important in a few years from now? It’s funny because when I look back on most of the stress and dealt with in the past few years, well I don’t exactly even remember it. It’s no longer a big deal. Hard times and stressful situations pass. And in the end, it doesn’t matter. So when you are faced with an issue, try to remember that.

Number six: STOP DEMANDING

Stop demanding perfection of yourself and everyone else around you. No one is perfect. One of my biggest pet peeves, besides standing too closely behind people and loud smacking. Another pet peeve of mine is when people bring up the past. Like no, leave that there. Stop trying to remind someone that they have messed up, that they did something wrong. Everyone makes mistakes, and a lot of people learn from them. People change. Give people another chance. Stop expecting people to be so perfect when you are perfect either. And on that note, stop trying to be perfect yourself. I can’t say too much because I find myself trying to be perfect as well. But it’s impossible to be perfect. I promise. Trying to be perfect is a waste of time and will take a toll on you. So, be yourself. Know you’re imperfect and be okay with that.

Number seven: PRACTICE PATIENCE

Practicing patience everyday is super important and it is something that I have been trying to do lately. Whether it’s just driving behind a slow driver, letting someone in front of me in line, whatever, I am always trying to be more patient. As they say, “patience is a virtue,” and it truly it is. I think that It’s important to try to be patient because in the case of a bad situation, you always have your patience to fall back on. This life is filled with moments of trouble and these moments you may only be left with how much patience you have.

Now don’t get me wrong, I struggle everyday to remember these things. I keep this list on my phone so I can remember it. Heck, even breathing can some times be a struggle for me. Hence, most of my anxiety attacks. I’m 19 and I am still learning. I don’t think that learning about life ever truly stops. The other day I was called an “old soul” which I absolutely love. In my short life, I have learned so many lessons so early in life. My goal in life is to be able to encourage those around me. As much as I love hearing advice, I am also thankful that I got to learn on my own. I’ve made my own mistakes. I’ve struggled, I went against what people told me not to do and did it anyways. Sometimes, it ended up being for the best; sometimes, not so much. I know I’m not an expert or anywhere near close, but I am proud to say that I’m making it okay. And you will too.  

A Letter To My Fifteen Year Old Self

A few years ago, I didn’t ever think that I would be where I am today. I never would’ve thought that the things that have happened to me, would’ve ever happened to me in a million years. It has impacted who I am and where I am at this point in my life.

Although there have been a lot of mistakes that I have made, I don’t have any regrets; because if I did, then well, that just wouldn’t be fair to myself.

But along the way of growing up, incredibly quickly I might add, I realized that there was some advice that I realize that I wish I would’ve had that no one ever thought I would’ve needed.

Dear fifteen-year-old Kaley,

All throughout high school, you will be distracted. You will experience some of the best times in your life. And you will also experience some of the worst; more than most will in a lifetime. 

Let me just start off with something you're dying to know about. Your first true love. You know how you went to summer camp and fell in love with that boy and you thought you would marry him by 18? Spoiler alert: that doesn’t happen. But do realize that you two had a lovely relationship, starting a year later in November and being with him taught you so many things about life, who you are, and that not all guys are bad. Although he was your best friend, things ended badly and you will experience your biggest heartbreak by 17.

I know you just started high school at 15 and you’re just trying to figure out life, but don’t be someone you’re not, your best friends who are truly there for you wont come into your life for a few years… Senior year to be exact.

Next year in September, something bad is going to happen and it is going to change your entire life. Your views on people, your heart, your mindset, everything. People will judge you for something you didn’t do but something that one of your family members will do. The people that you think are your friends, aren’t. But be thankful for the one who has been there since first grade. She never stops loving you. Even in college, she is still there for you even when you need her. Your best friend that you met in chorus freshman year, she stands by your side as well. You’re going to be friends with her as well, even into college.

Remember that it's not about where you go in life. It's about who you're with.

You will learn the difference between falling in love and being infatuated (that will happen a lot).
But even with all of these downfalls, you will find out what kind of guy you are really looking for.

Loosen up a little. You are gonna experience so many things in the next few years. Stop being so hard on yourself. 

In April of 2013, you will lose your best friend. You will lose your rock. Your grandpa will pass away while you aren’t even home. You will get a voicemail from grandmother on April 9^th at 3:45 PM that you still have 3 years later saying that granddaddy wasn’t feeling good. And the last time you will see him is on April 18^th, 2013. And you will know it deep down. And it will kill you. Just know that being there would’ve made it completely unbearable. Know that you said your goodbyes on the 18^th and that was all you needed. Know that at his visitation, you will breakdown because seeing granddaddy and not being able to hug him, will kill you. Seeing grandmother say goodbye to him for the last time, will absolutely rip your heart to pieces. 

You will begin to realize how important family is. You will feel as if you are being taken under. But take heart, greater things will come later on. 

I promise you that you will have your moments where you fully believe that life is over. You will learn that depression, anxiety, and PTSD are completely real, and completely scary. Do not worry. You will learn how to handle it, not completely, but you’ll learn.

In 2015, you will experience a place you never thought you would end up. You will be given pills and you will be placed with adults because you are too old to be with the kids. And you will be terrified. You will take an 800 question to determine what’s going on in your head and you will think that you’re never going to get out of this place. You will panic call everyone that you have a number for, mainly because you memorized these people’s numbers and you will cry every time you call your mom because you want out. But in the end, you’ll realize that it helped you. You will make it through and you will be an incredibly strong person.

Life is full of goodbyes and some are harder than others. You will say goodbye to people you thought you would never have to but just know that even greater people will enter your life even in 2016. But also remember that not all goodbyes are forever. You will reconnect with people and still see them even when you thought that the relationship would no longer be existent.

Even if it may not seem like it, in the next few years, you will be some of the greatest people that you will ever meet in your life. You will start a new job in 2015, and you will meet your best friend in the whole world. People will confuse you two for about 8 months and then it kind of dies down. Kind of. Your work family becomes your real family, because well, you spend about 90% of both November and December working.

When it comes to giving out this title of "best friend," be very careful. Pick people who are happy for your happiness and sad for your sadness. Be wise of those who you are investing your time and energy in.

Now to this number one best friend of yours. She is deserving of it unlike some of your other so claimed "best friends." She is going to pull your little introverted self out of your shell. She will open your eyes to the world and change it for good. She will impact you in ways that even to this day, she still doesn’t even know that she has. Along the way, you will find your true self, because of her, and you will begin to become the person you always wanted to be. She will make you a better person, she will encourage you, make you laugh, and well, just about help you through everything. She will always have your back and love you endlessly, no matter how many times you have a fling that doesn’t last with a boy you like, no matter how many times your brain moves too quickly for your mouth and no matter how many times you have panic attacks – big or small. You two will go through a lot together. Man oh man do I mean a lot. Like a hell of a lot. She will be there for you when you experience all the pain you experience and she will always be your guide because you will realize, her advice, although simple, will change you. You will have some of your most memorable moments with her. So have fun.

Your senior year you will experience several things. Your what is supposed to be one of the best year of your life, will turn out to be one of the most difficult. You will meet some of the best people in your life, like I said earlier. You will grow closer with someone who you have never really known. Give her a chance because she will be there for you through everything. Her family will even take you in to stay with them when your life gets incredibly hard and unbearable. You guys will have your rough spots but you will always come out strong in the end. Hold onto to the good ones. On the other hand, you will also meet some of the worst people. And you will still give them a chance. Because that is who you are. You will break hearts and you will have your heart broken more times than that. If someone wants to leave, let them. In the end, those who truly believe in you and love you will always have your back. Remember that people will try to drag you down and hurt you, but stay focused on you. Your mental health this year is so incredibly important. One of your most loved teachers, will turn against you. And that is a whole other story in itself. You will have a lot of heart break, back stabbings, and pain this year. But you will excel in playing the piano, singing, and you will end up graduating with honors. Congratulations on that!

By this point, you have learned to surround yourself with those who want what is best for you. Don’t get me wrong, you will run into a few “rotten eggs,” those who you believe are good but turn out to be evil in disguise.

You will date someone who you believe is “the one.” He’s not. He will break your heart at the end of the summer. And Maroon 5’s song “This Summer’s Gonna Hurt Like a Mother F,” explains it perfectly. You will learn the difference between ‘alone’ and ‘lonely.’

Time will go on and you will heal. You will start college and it will be a rough semester. You will meet amazing new people. It’s not always easy for you and in fact, it’s about to get a lot harder.

But you will fall behind because in August, you will find out that you have possible Endometriosis. And October, you will find out that you need surgery. This surgery wont be easy for you and it will take a toll on you. Heck, finding out you have Endometriosis will take a toll on you. Your pain will be so unbearable that you wished that the surgery would just hurry up. But remember that this will change you and it will let you and give you an opportunity to be a shining light to those around you.

You will learn awareness and your beliefs will be tested. Stand firm. Be strong. You make it through. You will learn that you are beautiful and that you need to go out on the limb and take more chances. You’ve worked hard for the things you’ve accomplished and you deserve it. You will learn you want to be a nurse and that you want to help anyone that you possibly can. You will strive to be the best that you can be, even on your weakest days. You will learn that writing is your output into this world and your blog will begin to make you want to strive for more and more. You will learn that a guy who is worth your time, wants you for you and not just for how you look.

Make more time for momma, because surprise, you're moving out at 19. Into your first apartment in August. You will be scared and terrified but incredibly excited and so ready. Make sure she knows how much you appreciate her and love on her. Things will be changing a lot for the both of you in 2016.

Be proud of yourself and don’t stop now. The days are long, but you will accomplish more than you have ever hoped for. Especially by 19. Once you find yourself, continue to be that woman, because she is so empowered to be incredible. Keep inspiring, keep pushing forward. Never stop dreaming. Be the friend that you've always wanted. Smile more, having a resting B face less. It's intimidating and it's beautiful because no one is used to it. 

You will fall in love with traveling and adventuring and you will become "addicted" to watching your favorite Youtubers.

You are so strong. You deserve to be loved, and love yourself.
There is nothing more beautiful than someone with a good heart and soul.

Remember: This is just the beginning.

This is your 19 year old self writing to you to tell you that you're doing just fine. Whatever hurts these next few years will make it seem like this is the end of the world; you make it through and you truly do learn. They are so insignificant when you look back on them. You will be put out of your comfort zone, and you will stay there. Stop being so comfortable all the time. 

Be thankful for all you have and know you are blessed and so incredibly loved.

Loving you 😉, 

Kaley.❤️