A Formal, Not-Facebook Status Update On Life

Lately, I have been so focused on getting things done and my priority has, unfortunately, not been on my blog.

On the bright side, I do have a done of updates.

As most already know, I have changed my major to Social Work, in which I have most certainly been gleaming about for the past few weeks. I have never felt so incredibly ready and at peace about in my life. I’m ready to see where this adventure takes me.

My biggest update of all:

I am also proud to announce that I am dating the most wonderful human being ever. He’s nowhere near perfect but he’s perfect for me. Our wants for our future and our outlooks on life is so on par, it’s incredible. I never thought that God would do such an incredible job of matching me with someone who I feel so drawn to but I mean who am I to doubt such an incredible Creator. For the first time in my life, I am not searching for my happiness in a man but he, in fact, has only contributed to my great happiness. Although we have our moments, he is certainly making me so much happier.

A blog post that is still being written will talk about me feeling older than I am.

And honestly, I know that people have their own opinions about me. Some may say that I act childish and those who may not know me may call me weak. I don’t know and I’ve learned how to just try not to care.

I am doing my best and trying my hardest. For a 19-year-old, I’ve faced a lot more than most people do by the time they are in their 20s and even more. And I honestly believe that it’s a reason for why I am, to some people, “growing up too quickly” or “moving too quickly.” When in reality, I am just going with what I know. My life is fast paced a lot and I am okay with it. I don’t function with moving slowly. In fact, sometimes I just can't handle slow because it is too slow.

And now to get back on track. Let me clear a few things up for those who are nosey, curious, or just over concerned for some reason.

For a girl who knows how to handle herself, for the most part, I think this is hilarious. Yes, I have my weak or dumb moments because yes, I am still learning.

But Michael is one of the kindest and most wonderful people I have ever met. I truly believe that everyone before him was a learning stepping stone. And to any of my exes or long ago flings who may come across this, I hope you don’t think that I am shaming you in any way and I truly do hope that you find happiness.

For beginners, let me introduce you to Michael. He is 25 (yes here it comes: gasp omg 6 years older omg heart attacks begin now, whatever lol). Michael is also an Air Force member who was raised in the south and respects me more than I have ever wished for. He’s been through a lot in his life and he understands me. He understands my issues and those that he doesn’t, he researches them and THAT is something that means more to me than anything. Not what he has done for me but the fact that he cares enough to researches what issues I have to deal with on an everyday basis.

By no means does this mean that he knows everything about me but he is incredibly intelligent and has picked up on many of my strange feelings, quirks, reactions, all that.

I am happy and if you support me, you will be happy for me and not worry about my decisions - you will LOVE and SUPPORT me. 

Moving on from Michael, other things have been going on. Some endometriosis spots and or more cysts might be back… 6 months later. And honestly, I don’t know if I am mentally prepared for that. There’s not too much other than that other than I am stressed and I need prayer. My ultrasound is next week and I will find out the week after what the plan is. 

Events happened in the past 24-48 hours that I am not and probably will never discuss on the internet. But just know, that I will make it out alive. And I will be okay. Maybe not soon, but eventually.

On a bright note, my sister is graduating from Indiana University with her Master’s this weekend and I am super proud of her. She’s one of my biggest inspirations to strive to be better. Love you Erin.

SO, enough about my life for now.

I hope that if you’re reading this, you are being blessed in some way, shape or form and I hope that maybe things that I have said have made you think, have made you smile, something.

You are loved. You are wanted. You are a blessing.

-Kaley Susanna

Changing My Major To What?

So the news is out.

Yes, I changed my major. And here is the behind the scenes story.

Science has never been my strong suit but I truly had faith in myself and I really wanted to push myself to do nursing.

But after this semester of not doing so hot in my anatomy and physiology class, I decided that any sort of science related field is not for me. And although nursing isn’t 100% science, a lot of the prerequisite courses are very tough science courses.

And the news of my new major.

I have decided to change my major to… SOCIAL WORK!

Now some people will say, “that’s dumb, why?” and some people will be really supportive and happy for me.

My decision is solely based on what my heart wants. Not what other’s want, not what I think I have to do.

What I WANT.

Ever since I was little, I have wanted to help people.

Yes, being a nurse is huge and helps so many people. But I want to help people in the way that I know how.

I want to help people through hard times.

With my vast experiences and just being 19 years old, I think it is safe to say that I am incredibly suitable for this major. Sure, maybe I have never personally worked with any social workers in my case, I have only seen them in action with Hospice and with events happening around me. And I know deep down I have always thought about wanting to help people in some sort of way like that.

This week has been incredibly eye opening for me. In fact, this whole semester has been incredibly eye opening for me. I went in thinking I want to be a nurse and I came out wanting to be in the social work field.

Honestly, I don’t know where or what I want to do. But whether it’s working with Hospice, families, children, or people with mental health problems, I am up for the challenge.

I truly think and by think, I mean know, this week was all God.

I am exempt from my Psych final, because of my 97 A final grade in that class.

I changed my major.

And I have a plan of classes for the next entire YEAR.

I have an incredible advisor who helped me find good options and good classes to take.

I can’t wait to see where this takes me.

I have so much confidence in myself and I truly hope that those who have faith in me, are ready to join me on this incredible journey.

Sending me your prayers and thoughts would be highly appreciated and it would mean a lot to me.

I am headed in such an incredible direction and I know my God is so incredibly wonderful and providing. Glory be to Him for this amazing, eye-opening week that he so purely provided for me.

I see you up there, big man! Keep doing what you do!

3 years...

I'm making this quick blog post to honor my grandpa.

3 years and 2 days ago he passed away and I am missing him more than anything.

Honestly, it didn't hit me until about 2 or 3 A.M. while I was on a skype call.
I saw his picture on my wall and despair rushed over me.
Literally it felt like someone was knocking me over and taking all of the air out of me.

I decided to buy this DIY kit to make an "In Loving Memory" sticker to add to my car's back window and honestly, it is my favorite sticker now. I've been wanting to do this for a while and I hadn't found the perfect one until now.

I am so thankful to have had the world's greatest grandpa. My first love, my number one supporter, my best friend, and the man who taught me what true love truly was (is) by loving my grandmother literally every second that he was able to.

I'm thankful that God gave me a grandpa who was so incredibly in touch with God every day and kept my heart and mind on track.

I'm thankful for my grandaddy who selflessly played a horse every time I wanted him to and Mr. Mooney from The Lucy Show (the same exact plane scene over and over... See "Lucy Flies To London" and you will understand what a great man he was for constantly playing Mr. Mooney.)

I'm thankful, even to this day, for every single thing he ever taught me.

My grandpa was a wonderful man.
And he is the template I will use when looking for a husband (step it up, men. You have some big shoes to fill).

It doesn't get any easier. I miss him every single day.
As I should. He was incredible.

I will always love you, Grandaddy.


In Remembrance of Donald Forest Summers
8.4.1919 - 4.20.2013
Rest in Paradise, my sweet soldier.

2016 Goals

Well now that we are 4 months into 2016, I finally have a list of a few things that I want to do better in 2016. These things are my goals, my hopes, and stuff I want to do better.

I want to be more patient.

Not only do I want to be more patient with other people, but I also myself. So often, it is hard for me to give myself credit; credit for trying my best to get better and be okay consistently. I think about patience so much and it bothers me that I can be so patient with almost everyone else and not myself. With that being said, when it comes to be other people, I want to be more patient as well.

I want to become more of who I want to be.

For so long, I was being who I thought other people wanted me to be. From the time I was 16, I thought I knew exactly who I was. In reality, I had no idea. Lately I’ve been learning a lot more about myself. Going through these changes of growing up, lately I have realized that half of my brain is about age 24 and the other half is still 19. Or 12. And that’s what I want to work on. Not that being young is a bad thing, but I do believe that it’s taking its toll on me. “Growing up too fast” has been one of my least favorite things about my life. Not that I wanted to, but that life forced me to. But each day, I am trying to enjoy where I am. I’ve always had this vision of who I’m becoming and I truly believe that I will get there. But until then, I am stuck in this awkward stage of “who am I?”

I want to wake up and go to sleep earlier.

I have always struggled with this and I hate it. My goal is to be more of a morning person. Not necessarily that I need to be, I just know that it has its benefits. Waking up earlier, for me at least, would mean that I would actually have time to eat breakfast. It’s so rare that I actually get to eat a real breakfast and I tend to settle for a small breakfast bar or something like that. Another reason would be that I want to be less rushed. Waking up earlier means more time; more time for myself, more time to get things done, more time in my day.

I want to improve my health.

Now this ranges, covering a few things. From to taking my medicine consistently, to eating better and cleaner, to working out more, to like I said before, ACTUALLY eating breakfast. It’s not that I’m unhealthy, I just want to take better care of myself. Plain and simple!

I want to stop procrastinating.

Although I have gotten a lot better with this, I still struggle from time to time. Whether it’s writing a paper earlier, having plenty of blogs ready to post, doing laundry or finishing an assignment way ahead of time, whatever it may be, I want to be better with my use of time.

I want to use my planner more.  

I have learned that I am such a visual person over the past several years and using my planner and actually writing things down has increased my success rate so much. I have never been able to write stuff down in my phone and remember but since I’m loving my planner this year, I’m all for using it as much as I possibly can. Before I started watching YouTube videos, I used to think that planners are super boring but now that I have been enlightened, using my planner can actually help me and not be boring.

I want to stop worrying.

I worry about everything. I worry about things that I shouldn’t worry about. I worry about things I should worry about. I worry about school, work, what I’m wearing, if I look perfect or not, if I have the greatest possessions, if I have a boyfriend or not, who likes me or loves me and who doesn’t, what people think about me (a little too often). I worry about ANYTHING and EVERYTHING. There is no in between. I want to stop. I just want to live life without that stress. I really do.

In my opinion, I think that it is so important to make goals. Whether it’s written out like this or a short, basic list on your phone, make goals for yourself. You don’t have to share them with everyone, but you can. If there are things you need someone to hold you accountable for, find someone. Keep track of your progress or write down your accomplishments, things you’ve been blessed with, however you want to do it. In my family, we each have our own “Blessing Jars.” We’ve been doing it since 2000. It came to my mom that after such a horrible year, she couldn’t remember something that really good happened. And pretty much every year since, that’s what we’ve done. I call my personal jar my “Memory Jar.” If something good happens or I do something fun, I write it down and place it in the jar. Sometimes I even put things in there that I had to experience that weren’t so great. My reasoning behind this is so that I can be reminded of how far I’ve come from that particular experience.  

So if you haven’t already, which I seriously hope you have, make a list of things that you want to accomplish this year.

And most importantly, DO THEM.

Things I Learned In 2015

This year was clearly written at the end of 2015. I hope you enjoy this blog post that I just found!

As this year comes to a close, I have learned the mistakes I’ve made this year have really cost me a lot. I’ve lost people that I really love and care about; people that I would still to this day give up anything for. I’ve lost friends and family who decided I “wasn’t worth their time.” I’ve gotten surgery and I’ve been to the hospital 4 times this year. I’ve gotten a new job that I absolutely love and adore with every inch in my body. I’ve learned a lot about myself and I react to different situations. I’ve grown up and I’ve learned how I want to change myself for the future.

This year I’ve had a lot to be thankful for.

For starters, I have the most wonderful best friends in the whole world. No, I have the most wonderful and supportive and incredible best friends in the whole world. I would not be making it into 2016 without them. Through out 2015 I have dealt with so many different issues and each one of my best friends has been there to support me. Some best friends I have lost along the way but I do want to take a moment to recognize how thankful I am for each.

Ashley, you are actually my twin. (Sorry, Emily). I am so thankful that on March 21^st 2015 I met you at LifeWay. Thank you for changing the way that I think about a lot of things in life. Thank you for being my best friend this year. Thank you for always looking out for me and telling me to go home when I’m sick at work and always making fun of me. But most of all, thank you for all the late night Fridays and Saturdays and the last minute trips to Jacksonville and Tampa with Jewel. I love you.

Kathryn, this year we have grown incredibly close. After living with you for 3 months-ish, I think it’s safe to say I’m part of the family. Thank you for the last minute sleep overs and trips to the movies (you’re the reason I’m addicted to watching and going to the movies). Thank you for being so understanding and loving even when I’m an awful friend. Thank you for taking care of me before, during, and after my surgery. I love you.

Lauryn, you are forever going to be my Disney princess. I love you to the moon and back. Thank you for all the hour long phone conversations. Thank you for always having my back even from like 2 hours away. Thank you for staying the same and always being there to pick up with me right where we left off, like no time has passed. Thank you for the last minute campus tour of UNF (your school is perfect). Thank you for always being so reliable and wonderful and sweet. I love you.

This isn’t everyone that has impacted my life, that is for sure. SO many people have had a huge impact on my life and I am so incredibly thankful for everyone that has stuck around.

This year I have learned more about myself. I have learned that I have depression, anxiety and PTSD. Not only that but I have learned how to deal with them. I have also learned that I have endometriosis in my genes. I’ve learned that my surgery really messed with my memory. I’ve learned that I am a visual learner. I’ve learned that if isn’t written down, I wont remember it. I’ve learned that writing and blogging is literally my most favorite and most loved hobby that I have. I’ve learned that my heart can handle more than I thought it ever could. I’ve learned that going on trips and trying new things and just getting out is my most loved passion and I can’t wait to see where I go in the future.

This year I’ve also learned many things about life.

• Moving on is okay. This year was the year that I finally freed myself from a weight that I have been carrying for a year. Moving on from a person who was there through it all and who I loved the most for so long, was so incredibly hard. I fought it. I didn’t want to give up. I didn’t want to call it quits. But when I did, I realized how happy and free I was. Ironically, October 31^st 2015, I told myself that was that and I was done and it was my turn to be happy.
• You truly will find some incredible best friends in your lifetime. My last two years of high school I met my best friends and I could not be more grateful.
• Life is not fair and life is hard. This year I have dealt with losing friends, boyfriends, dealing with car problems (and lots of them), etc. But in order to fully hear what God is telling you to do, you have to stop and listen. Forget the hassle and the rush and the pain and just listen. What is he telling you to do?
• It’s okay to be weak and ask for help. This year (March 13^th to be exact) I was taken to BMH and I received the help that I needed. I still find myself struggling but I’m certainly not where I am. You will have your weak days and that’s okay. It’s okay to ask someone for help. It’s okay to be weak and ask someone to just be there for you. But DO NOT GIVE UP. You are worth it and I promise that you will make it. No matter what you’re going through right now, you can do this.
• School is worth it. As much as I was dreading going to school again, college has been incredible for me. I have met some incredible people that are changing my life as we speak. Since I am finishing this blog post about two months later than I intended (February 2016 now), I have realized that the friends I have made in college have been so incredible for me. This semester I have met and become closer with people I thought I would never be close with or nonetheless even talk to again. I am so thankful that I decided to continue my education. It’s hard but it is so worth it.
• Another thing I learned about in 2015 is I see a crap ton of movies. I’ve started making a memory jar and I fill it with all of the fun things I did that year and on New Years Eve we go through our jars as a family. Turns out 2015 was the year for good movies to come out…. That and I’m just a movie addict (thanks to Kathryn and the Shaw family).

I seriously can't wait to see where 2016 takes me. New adventures, new blogs, new experiences, and new amazing stories to tell. I hope you're ready for this ride with me.