A Letter To My Fifteen Year Old Self

A few years ago, I didn’t ever think that I would be where I am today. I never would’ve thought that the things that have happened to me, would’ve ever happened to me in a million years. It has impacted who I am and where I am at this point in my life.

Although there have been a lot of mistakes that I have made, I don’t have any regrets; because if I did, then well, that just wouldn’t be fair to myself.

But along the way of growing up, incredibly quickly I might add, I realized that there was some advice that I realize that I wish I would’ve had that no one ever thought I would’ve needed.

Dear fifteen-year-old Kaley,

All throughout high school, you will be distracted. You will experience some of the best times in your life. And you will also experience some of the worst; more than most will in a lifetime. 

Let me just start off with something you're dying to know about. Your first true love. You know how you went to summer camp and fell in love with that boy and you thought you would marry him by 18? Spoiler alert: that doesn’t happen. But do realize that you two had a lovely relationship, starting a year later in November and being with him taught you so many things about life, who you are, and that not all guys are bad. Although he was your best friend, things ended badly and you will experience your biggest heartbreak by 17.

I know you just started high school at 15 and you’re just trying to figure out life, but don’t be someone you’re not, your best friends who are truly there for you wont come into your life for a few years… Senior year to be exact.

Next year in September, something bad is going to happen and it is going to change your entire life. Your views on people, your heart, your mindset, everything. People will judge you for something you didn’t do but something that one of your family members will do. The people that you think are your friends, aren’t. But be thankful for the one who has been there since first grade. She never stops loving you. Even in college, she is still there for you even when you need her. Your best friend that you met in chorus freshman year, she stands by your side as well. You’re going to be friends with her as well, even into college.

Remember that it's not about where you go in life. It's about who you're with.

You will learn the difference between falling in love and being infatuated (that will happen a lot).
But even with all of these downfalls, you will find out what kind of guy you are really looking for.

Loosen up a little. You are gonna experience so many things in the next few years. Stop being so hard on yourself. 

In April of 2013, you will lose your best friend. You will lose your rock. Your grandpa will pass away while you aren’t even home. You will get a voicemail from grandmother on April 9^th at 3:45 PM that you still have 3 years later saying that granddaddy wasn’t feeling good. And the last time you will see him is on April 18^th, 2013. And you will know it deep down. And it will kill you. Just know that being there would’ve made it completely unbearable. Know that you said your goodbyes on the 18^th and that was all you needed. Know that at his visitation, you will breakdown because seeing granddaddy and not being able to hug him, will kill you. Seeing grandmother say goodbye to him for the last time, will absolutely rip your heart to pieces. 

You will begin to realize how important family is. You will feel as if you are being taken under. But take heart, greater things will come later on. 

I promise you that you will have your moments where you fully believe that life is over. You will learn that depression, anxiety, and PTSD are completely real, and completely scary. Do not worry. You will learn how to handle it, not completely, but you’ll learn.

In 2015, you will experience a place you never thought you would end up. You will be given pills and you will be placed with adults because you are too old to be with the kids. And you will be terrified. You will take an 800 question to determine what’s going on in your head and you will think that you’re never going to get out of this place. You will panic call everyone that you have a number for, mainly because you memorized these people’s numbers and you will cry every time you call your mom because you want out. But in the end, you’ll realize that it helped you. You will make it through and you will be an incredibly strong person.

Life is full of goodbyes and some are harder than others. You will say goodbye to people you thought you would never have to but just know that even greater people will enter your life even in 2016. But also remember that not all goodbyes are forever. You will reconnect with people and still see them even when you thought that the relationship would no longer be existent.

Even if it may not seem like it, in the next few years, you will be some of the greatest people that you will ever meet in your life. You will start a new job in 2015, and you will meet your best friend in the whole world. People will confuse you two for about 8 months and then it kind of dies down. Kind of. Your work family becomes your real family, because well, you spend about 90% of both November and December working.

When it comes to giving out this title of "best friend," be very careful. Pick people who are happy for your happiness and sad for your sadness. Be wise of those who you are investing your time and energy in.

Now to this number one best friend of yours. She is deserving of it unlike some of your other so claimed "best friends." She is going to pull your little introverted self out of your shell. She will open your eyes to the world and change it for good. She will impact you in ways that even to this day, she still doesn’t even know that she has. Along the way, you will find your true self, because of her, and you will begin to become the person you always wanted to be. She will make you a better person, she will encourage you, make you laugh, and well, just about help you through everything. She will always have your back and love you endlessly, no matter how many times you have a fling that doesn’t last with a boy you like, no matter how many times your brain moves too quickly for your mouth and no matter how many times you have panic attacks – big or small. You two will go through a lot together. Man oh man do I mean a lot. Like a hell of a lot. She will be there for you when you experience all the pain you experience and she will always be your guide because you will realize, her advice, although simple, will change you. You will have some of your most memorable moments with her. So have fun.

Your senior year you will experience several things. Your what is supposed to be one of the best year of your life, will turn out to be one of the most difficult. You will meet some of the best people in your life, like I said earlier. You will grow closer with someone who you have never really known. Give her a chance because she will be there for you through everything. Her family will even take you in to stay with them when your life gets incredibly hard and unbearable. You guys will have your rough spots but you will always come out strong in the end. Hold onto to the good ones. On the other hand, you will also meet some of the worst people. And you will still give them a chance. Because that is who you are. You will break hearts and you will have your heart broken more times than that. If someone wants to leave, let them. In the end, those who truly believe in you and love you will always have your back. Remember that people will try to drag you down and hurt you, but stay focused on you. Your mental health this year is so incredibly important. One of your most loved teachers, will turn against you. And that is a whole other story in itself. You will have a lot of heart break, back stabbings, and pain this year. But you will excel in playing the piano, singing, and you will end up graduating with honors. Congratulations on that!

By this point, you have learned to surround yourself with those who want what is best for you. Don’t get me wrong, you will run into a few “rotten eggs,” those who you believe are good but turn out to be evil in disguise.

You will date someone who you believe is “the one.” He’s not. He will break your heart at the end of the summer. And Maroon 5’s song “This Summer’s Gonna Hurt Like a Mother F,” explains it perfectly. You will learn the difference between ‘alone’ and ‘lonely.’

Time will go on and you will heal. You will start college and it will be a rough semester. You will meet amazing new people. It’s not always easy for you and in fact, it’s about to get a lot harder.

But you will fall behind because in August, you will find out that you have possible Endometriosis. And October, you will find out that you need surgery. This surgery wont be easy for you and it will take a toll on you. Heck, finding out you have Endometriosis will take a toll on you. Your pain will be so unbearable that you wished that the surgery would just hurry up. But remember that this will change you and it will let you and give you an opportunity to be a shining light to those around you.

You will learn awareness and your beliefs will be tested. Stand firm. Be strong. You make it through. You will learn that you are beautiful and that you need to go out on the limb and take more chances. You’ve worked hard for the things you’ve accomplished and you deserve it. You will learn you want to be a nurse and that you want to help anyone that you possibly can. You will strive to be the best that you can be, even on your weakest days. You will learn that writing is your output into this world and your blog will begin to make you want to strive for more and more. You will learn that a guy who is worth your time, wants you for you and not just for how you look.

Make more time for momma, because surprise, you're moving out at 19. Into your first apartment in August. You will be scared and terrified but incredibly excited and so ready. Make sure she knows how much you appreciate her and love on her. Things will be changing a lot for the both of you in 2016.

Be proud of yourself and don’t stop now. The days are long, but you will accomplish more than you have ever hoped for. Especially by 19. Once you find yourself, continue to be that woman, because she is so empowered to be incredible. Keep inspiring, keep pushing forward. Never stop dreaming. Be the friend that you've always wanted. Smile more, having a resting B face less. It's intimidating and it's beautiful because no one is used to it. 

You will fall in love with traveling and adventuring and you will become "addicted" to watching your favorite Youtubers.

You are so strong. You deserve to be loved, and love yourself.
There is nothing more beautiful than someone with a good heart and soul.

Remember: This is just the beginning.

This is your 19 year old self writing to you to tell you that you're doing just fine. Whatever hurts these next few years will make it seem like this is the end of the world; you make it through and you truly do learn. They are so insignificant when you look back on them. You will be put out of your comfort zone, and you will stay there. Stop being so comfortable all the time. 

Be thankful for all you have and know you are blessed and so incredibly loved.

Loving you 😉, 

Kaley.❤️