Anxiety

Anxiety.

A feeling of some sort that may or may not be an effect of something that has or hasn't happened. 

Something experienced differently by anyone who deals with it.

Something not talked about commonly.

It’s easy to so quickly assume that someone who has their hair and makeup all done, has it all together. My hair curled, makeup so carefully done, a belief by others that I have no care in the world. Funny that it would be expected or even thought that I would let any of my problems escape their abounding abyss or their tiny hiding places. Because if it’s not seen, does it really exist?

The thought that any pain seen externally is more painful than what is hidden internally. The thought that those internal “small” issues are even able to be considered anywhere near a “big deal.”

The people around me who have never experienced it, see a happy person or a rushed person or someone who is so consumed with caring for others; when in reality, I’m trying to distract myself. 

Don’t get me wrong. I love and care about myself, but I will forever care and love people no matter how short of a time period I have known them for. 

I wear a smile so that just that simple glimpse when walking past me, they feel happier, more appreciated.

Put on a smile and learn to bear it. Something we have all been told, time after time. Because after all, no one likes to talk about the tough stuff. The tough topics are “too unbearable,” “too personal,” too whatever.

I have anxiety.

The feeling that you can’t escape. The feeling that every heartbeat is too close to the last and to the next. The feeling that you can’t quite catch up with your thoughts because they are consuming you and changing at the speed of light. “What if this were to happen,” or “what if this person thinks this of me?” The sound of band practice when all instruments are practicing all at the same time and out of tune. The sound of a television connected to cable and all of the sudden, it goes out. Static. The sound of the amber alert when there is a missing child or the sound of the classic tornado or storm warning on the radio.

Not even noticing that my palms are sweating or that I am pacing. The feeling that I am sinking into my bed because my body feels so incredibly heavy, 500 pounds heavy instead of 115 pounds. I don’t even notice that I’m avoiding eye contact; I promise it’s not me being rude or that I don’t care or that I’m not listening. Simply, it’s because I feel that if someone were to look into my eyes they’d discover that deep beneath, I’m panicking.

Anxiety is trying to hold myself together like I’m in a life or death situation when in reality, everything is fine. But the chemical imbalance tells me that I’m not. I'm telling myself that I'm not. 

The feeling of all of the crazy sounds and feelings “rushing” through my body like I am about to be hit by a bullet or a bomb and I see it coming but I can’t move. Like I am stuck; I am like a soldier on the frontline fighting for his life, guns, smoke, and the constant sounds of explosions, but inside my own brain.   

I tend to speak as if I am so insecure and unstable with who I am, that people don’t see me for me.

The "forever feeling" all in a time span of about 10 to 20 minutes where I am not okay.

The feeling of a heat rush over my face.

Or drowning, not being able to breathe. Constantly fighting between my bran and my heart about how I feel, what I know, etc.; a constant battle between every inch of me.

Most of the time it feels as if I am moving faster than the 60 seconds that are in a minute. Yet when I am in internal agony, it feels as if my day lasts for weeks.

But then when I come to, nothing seems to add up. I am constantly having to play catch up with time because I can never tell where it went.

It’s no longer just simple algebra problem that I can just find x or y or the answer to the problem, because most of the time, there is no problem. Most of the time, it is a scenario made up in my head and somehow I can’t let myself believe that. 

My mind is somehow incapable of realizing that everything is fine. There is no reasoning, there is no answer, there is no end, it is just plain and simple feelings. But they are all swarming me like bees at once. 

Some days are better than others.

Some days are worse;

Some days it’s hard to even deal with the outside world – mainly because it feels as if it has just all jumped inside my head at once.

But in the end, they are just days.

The ways that people deal with anxiety are so vast, so different and unique.

I’ve learned to remind myself that those days are just days. And no day will last forever.

I’ve learned how to talk to people and reach out to them.

I’ve learned through this, how to love people and cherish them more.

I’ve learned how to be patient with people.

I’ve learned that everything is okay. And I’m not alone.

I’ve learned that in the end, life isn’t so bad. In fact, it’s beautiful.